If Only He Could Read My Mind
by The Centre Of The Tardis
Summary: Brynlee Waters is a confused girl. She believes she isn't good enough for anyone or anything. When Remus dumps her on the same day her parents send a letter, is it enough to push Brynlee over the edge on which she's been so  precariously balanced?
1. Self Inflicted

**If Only He Could Read My Mind**

**Chapter 1:**

I was sitting alone on the sofa in the Gryffindor Common Room. My head was leaned back on the sofa and my eyes were closed. I was trying to forget the letter I had received earlier. Trying to forget those harsh words my parent had sent to me. I absent-mindedly ran my fingers over my left wrist and the new marks that were there. I stopped rubbing the marks and pushed my bracelets back over the marks, the last thing I wanted for somebody to notice, like Remus.

He was getting suspicious. Part of me wanted him to know, to help. But I couldn't find it in me to tell him, to tell anyone.

I felt a pair of hands touch my shoulders and opened my eyes to find Remus standing on the other side of the sofa looking down at me.

"What's wrong baby?"

If only you could read my mind and see.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I forced a smile at him.

He smiled back at me with his gorgeous smile, before walking round the sofa to come sit beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me into him. I rested my head against his shoulder and he wrapped his other arm around me so his hands were touching on my left arm.

He kissed my head lightly. "I haven't seen you all day, what have you been up to beautiful?"

"Oh, I was just finishing up my homework in my dorm, I knew you were out with your boys and Lily and Alice had gone to visit Hagrid, so I just sat up in our dorm."

"You could have come with us, you know James and Sirius consider you their sister." he said looking guilty for leaving me alone.

"It's fine, honestly Remus." I said, comforting him slightly.

It was a lie of course, the whole thing was. I spent my day crying and cutting, all because of the stupid letter I got from my stupid parents. It wasn't his fault though; I wasn't going to let him feel bad because I was alone. Remus was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was the reason I was still breathing. I would have killed myself by now. We've only been dating a few weeks now, but I was so close to breaking before he finally asked me out.

Remus smiled at me, pulling me in closer. "Brynlee Waters, you are a amazing girl, you know that?"

"I don't see what's so amazing." I mumbled so he couldn't hear me.

He continued to hold me close, kissing me lightly every once in a while until it reached the time I decided I was ready for bed.

"Goodnight Brynlee, sweet dreams" he kissed me lightly one last time before letting me head of to bed.

When I got up the stairs, there was no one in my dorm. I walked into the bathroom and shut the door, before quickly throwing up.

He had asked me what was wrong, in truth everything. I wish he knew.


	2. So Done

**If Only He Could Read My Mind**

**Chapter 2: A Few Days Later**

Lily and Alice were arguing again, over James Potter's arrogance. To be fair, I had to agree with Alice, James wasn't that bad. But from Lily's point of view, she has a point too; I mean he is forever harassing her.

I kept my head down and continued playing with my breakfast, ignoring their continued fight. I had started thinking about our latest History of Magic homework. The Salem Witch trials were indeed a very interesting subject.

My thoughts however were interrupted by a light tapping on my shoulder. I turned to see Remus looking tired and almost worried.

"Can we talk?" Remus asked sounding regretful.

I nodded, worried by what he might say to me.

I followed him out of the Great Hall and up the stairs to an empty classroom. He shut the door behind us and turned to me.

I could see this haunted look in his eyes. "Brynlee, we have to break up. I'm sorry but I'm not good enough for you."

I felt my heart break. What did he mean he wasn't good enough for me? More like I wasn't good enough for him.

"R..r..Remus, please don't do this. " I begged.

"I'm sorry, it's for the best." He walked out the room, not looking back, and I fell to the floor in tears.

I wasn't good enough for him. That was what he had meant. It was obvious. Anyone could see it. I hated myself for it. I hated that I was so horrible, that I was ugly and stupid.

I ran out the room and up the stairs, my mind only focusing on one thing. Lucky for me, class had started, meaning the halls and my dorm were both empty.

I stopped in front of the fat lady, just enough to say the password. She obviously felt bad because she opened without a word, which was unusual for her.

I passed through the empty common room and ran into my dorm and into the bathroom and locked the door.

My thoughts were crazy. I couldn't focus on anything but finding my razor.

I checked the inside my toiletry bag. I found the razor, and lucky for me, there was a new blade ready to be used.

My wrists were bleeding and extremely messy before I found the will to stop.

I wanted to keep going, to end it, but I found a small part of me that felt regret at what I had done, and that part won over.

I cleaned up my cuts as much as I could, without magic of course, that would be beside the point. I pulled on my bracelets once more, and then waved my wand over the bathroom, cleaning up the mess I'd left behind.

I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes, before I left the room. I picked up my bag, and walked down to Transfiguration, even though the class was already in session, I was afraid to be left alone.

I walked through the door to have everyone stare at me. I muttered a quick apology to Professor McGonagall before I sat down, and pulled out my textbook.

Lily and Alice, who were sitting next to me, were looking at my tear stained eyes. I mouthed a quick "I'll tell you later", before looking back at my textbook.

I felt a few sets of eyes on the back of my head; I couldn't resist checking, so I took a quick look behind me to find the four marauders staring at me. I met Remus' gaze and quickly turned back to my work. The last thing I wanted was for him to realise how much he hurt me.

My wrists, although they were no longer bleeding, still stung. My eyes were tired and dry from crying as much as I had. I looked a mess. I struggled to pay attention during class, but failed miserably, and was thoroughly relived when it was time to go to lunch.

I was the first one out. The second McGonagall had said we could go; I grabbed all my things and swept out the classroom. I walked into the Great Hall and found a place to sit, to wait for my friends.

The marauders walked in and I saw James and Sirius look over me, while they walked along the table. Remus was with them, but he didn't look at me at all. They took a seat not too far from where I was sitting.

Then Lily and Alice walked in, and upon noticing me waiting for them, they immediately walked over to where I was sitting and sat down across from me.

"What happened Bryn?" Lils asked.

"Remus... he broke up with me." I said.

"No way! I will murder him!" Lily started to stand up, but I grabbed her arm.

"Don't Lils, it's his decision." I said.

Lily and Alice just looked at me, and out the corner of my eye, I saw James, Sirius and Remus look at me in disbelief.

None the less, Lily sat back down and I let go of her wrist and picked up a sandwich to at least look like I was eating.

We ate in silence, and once I'd finished my sandwich I excused myself.

I walked into the first floor bathroom and leaned over the toilet and promptly threw up. It was almost natural now, after a few months. I rinsed out my mouth by the sink before leaving the bathroom.

I knew it was unhealthy, I knew it all was, but I didn't care. Cutting took away the pain. Vomiting made me skinnier.

I walked up to my dorm to go and work on some homework during my free block.

I was chilling on my bed, lying on my stomach with music blasting from the wireless us girls had in our room, when there was a tapping on the window.

I looked up, to see nothing more than my parents' pitch black owl. Oh God, this could not be good.

I walked over and let the owl in. She stuck out her leg to let me pull off the letter, before quickly flying off.

I uncurled the letter and read;

Dear Brynlee,

You are in so much trouble when you get home, you lazy little swine. If anyone ever asks you are not our daughter. An E in Transfiguration? Unacceptable. We told you to get an O. Don't expect to be going out anywhere over Christmas break.

Wishing you never existed you silly little girl,

Your Parents

I was shocked; they'd said some mean things, but to wish I was dead?

That's it. I'm done.

They want me dead? That's what they'll get.

Tonight.


	3. Surrendering

**If Only He Could Read My Mind**

**Chapter Three: Later that Evening**

It was one in the morning as I crept out of my common room and down the several staircases to the entrance hall, with a knife hidden in my pocket. The knife was from dinner, I had taken it without either of my friends noticing. I had spent my dinner in silence, the prospect of tonight keeping me from concentrating. Of course, they just assumed I was upset from my brutal, sudden break up with Remus.

The break up with Remus was only one reason I was disappointed, because it hurt like hell, knowing that he lied every time he said he loved me. I wouldn't have killed myself over that though. It was the letter that bothered me the most. I was sick of the pain, and I had made myself think that this was the only other option.

I wouldn't have been here if Remus had of read my mind, or anyone for that matter. Then maybe I could have showed them the letter. Then they could've tried to stop me, but probably not, I mean it's not like they'd care that much.

I'm nothing special.

I crept out the front doors, which were surprisingly and luckily unlocked, and walked out onto the grounds.

The full moon was shining above me. I hated full moons; they were too bright in the middle of my dark world. There was a light breeze in the air, the kind of breeze that allowed me to concentrate, which was just what I needed.

It seemed as though the world was cooperating with me. I wasn't caught in the halls, the front doors were open, and now the weather was perfect. Maybe the world was trying to make me feel better, as I took my last steps and my last breaths. Maybe it wanted me to succeed. Maybe it believed as I did, that it would make things better.

Either way, I was glad it was.

I started walking towards the edge of the forbidden forest, because if I hid in there, no one would find me, well what would be left of me.

When I was only a few feet away, I heard a snarl from behind me. I stopped walking and turned around, to find a werewolf.

Well, it's easier than the knife, I thought to myself. I stood there waiting for the wolf to attack. It seemed like part of the wolf didn't want too. It was hesitant almost. Eventually it seemed like the wolf had come to a decision as I felt a paw with its claws slash across my stomach.

I fell to the ground from the impact. The wolf hovered over me, but before it could make a move a big, black, shaggy dog jumped in front of me, protecting me from the wolf's terror.

I stood up and pushed up my sleeves, as they were beginning to annoy me. I felt blood pouring from the slashes across my stomach. At least the blood loss would kill me eventually.

I was already starting to feel faint. I felt someone grab my arm and pull me along. I took one look at the persons face. I saw James, pulling me away, before I fainted.

The last thing I thought was:

What the hell just happened?


	4. Surrounded

**If Only He Could Read My Mind**

**Chapter 4**

I woke up in a bright room and sat myself up to see it was the hospital wing. James and Sirius were sitting in between my bed and the one next to it. Sitting up in the other bed was Remus. They were so busy talking in their conversation they didn't realise I had woke up.

I cleared my throat.

They turned to look at me.

"BRYN!" Sirius yelled, giving me a large hug, squishing me.

"SIRIUS!" I yelled back, "Let Go!"

He chuckled but released me.

"Hey James?" I asked.

"Yeah, Bryn?"

"What happened, you know, after I fainted?"

"Well I picked you up and brought you straight here, I was afraid that you would die from the loss of blood."

I wish I had. It would have made this easier on me.

Wait. Hang on.

"What were you doing out there? And where did the dog come from?" I asked. "And why is Remus in the hospital wing too?"

Then I remembered the werewolf...

I gasped. "You're the werewolf, aren't you Remus?"

Remus' face looked down. "Yes. I'm sorry Brynlee. I told you I wasn't good enough for you. I'm dangerous; I almost killed you last night. I knew you wouldn't want to be with a werewolf."

"Wait, you broke up with me, because you thought you weren't good enough for me, because you're a werewolf?"

"Yes, I told you I wasn't good enough for you. What did you think was my reason?"

"It's nothing." I said abruptly, not wanting to share.

Madame Pomfrey walked in. "Oh good, you're awake. I just need to call down Professor McGonagall, because I believe we have a lot to talk about Miss Waters."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"You'll see."

She walked over to her fire place and floo'd McGonagall. A few seconds later McGonagall walked out of the fireplace.

"Miss Waters, it's nice to see you awake at last. Now, we have some very serious issues to discuss."

"Serious issues?" I asked.

"Yes, serious issues. I'm referring to the obvious marks that are on your wrists and the fact you had a knife in your back pocket."

I gulped. They knew.

"Bryn... Why?" Remus asked.

"It hurts. Every letter they send, every time I speak to them it hurts. I couldn't take it anymore. Especially since you had broken up with me the same day. I'm not good enough for you; I'm not good enough for them. Answer this, if I'm not good enough for anyone, why should I keep living?"

"God... Brynlee, I love you. I broke up with you to protect you. You are so good enough for me, baby, you're so much better than me. But who is this 'they' you were talking about?" Remus said.

My heart skipped a beat when he told me he loved me. It meant everything to me.

"They are my parents..." I mumbled in response, not wanting to get my parents in trouble, because that would cause me more trouble.

Everyone gasped.

"Miss Waters, you realize that is considered child abuse, and that you would have been removed from their care by now if you had of told somebody. "

"Yes. But I've been threatened not to tell. I'm not stupid."

"Well, you started cutting, and attempted suicide last night... so I think that was a very stupid decision on your part."

"I think it was a wonderful idea, it'd be a hell of a lot less painful than listening to what they say." I said a flood of anger and bitterness coming through.

They gasped at my blunt and bitter statement.

"Excuse me a moment." Professor McGonagall walked out of the hospital wing.

"Miss Waters, I'm going to have to ask you to stand up for a minute."

I slid off the bed, placing my hand on James' shoulder to stop me from falling. Madam Pomfrey took one look over my body before speaking.

"How long?" She asked sympathetically. I knew what she had seen; I knew that as a nurse she could tell I hadn't been eating properly.

"Three months" I answered.

"Brynlee..." I heard Remus groan.

I sat back down on the hospital wing bed. Madam Pomfrey gave me an apple.

"We'll start off slow. Eat it. Boys, make sure she doesn't throw it back up after. I need to find something to treat your wounds Mr. Lupin"

She left the room, and I felt a tear leave my eye. Everything they said, it had really meant something to me. They were right. I had been abused and it made me make bad decisions for myself. The tears started to flow heavily from my eyes. I ran my hand that wasn't holding the apple through my long blonde hair.

"Bryn, I understand that you cut to escape the pain, but why didn't you eat?" Remus asked.

"Becc..aause.. I'm..u..gly.. thats why." I responded in between the tears.

"Ugly? Brynlee what the hell are you talking about? You're the most beautiful girl I have ever been lucky enough to meet."

I wiped my eyes slightly. "Really?" I whispered.

"Of course. Please stop what you're doing to yourself. Baby, you are perfect, it doesn't matter what anyone else says."

That was the one line that changed my life for the better.

Remus was right, it didn't matter what other people thought. I felt better. It was as if suddenly I had a whole new perspective, and now I wanted to change, I wanted to feel good about myself again.

I took a bite out of the apple and swallowed. It felt good, getting something back in my stomach. So I took another bite, and I heard Remus say "Good girl." As if I was a little child, learning something new.

In a way, I was. I was learning something new. I was learning how to get my life back.

"Brynlee?" Remus asked.

I looked at him.

"Will you be my girlfriend again? Or are you disgusted by the fact I'm a werewolf?" He asked.

"Remus, I don't give a crap whether you're a werewolf or not. I love you and I will definitely be your girlfriend again. I need you Remus, if I'm going to fix this, I'll need you there."

"Baby, I will be there every second of the way."

Professor McGonagall walked in, followed by Professor Dumbledore.

"Miss Waters, Professor McGonagall has just told me some rather disturbing news about your parents. I just have to ask you whether this is true, because if it is, I have to tell the ministry so they can find you a new home, a safe home." He smiled at me, setting my worries at ease, and I had a funny feeling, he was using magic to do it. I nodded and kept my head down, biting on my lip.

"Right then, with that I am off to the ministry, look after yourself Miss Waters." He left the hospital wing and everyone was in silence.

I broke it. "So, how do I fix this?"

I saw Remus smile out of the corner of his eye while Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey, who had just come back, both looked at me in shock.

Together we came up with a plan to help me. I was going to be accompanied by someone for a good while before I felt better.

Later in the day Lily and Alice came in and I told them everything. They were both so shocked by the news but promised they would help me.

Things were looking up.


	5. Self Reflection

**If Only He Could Read My Mind**

**Chapter five: Epilogue**

I woke up to the sun shining through the window. I sat up and smiled. Everyone was going home for the summer break today. Dumbledore hadn't yet found me a family to live with, so last week Remus had asked me to stay with him this summer. I had said yes. A whole summer with my Remus? That sounded amazing. We had just finished our OWLS and I felt I had done pretty well on them.

I climbed out of bed and went in the shower. As I was getting washed I saw the marks on my wrists again. They were only scars now, I hadn't cut since the day I got the letter from my parents, the day I tried to end my life. I was healthy now. Remus had been so supportive through all of it. If I had gone for a couple of weeks of eating without throwing up, then I threw up again, he just pulled me into his chest while I cried because I had done it again. He just kept telling me that I was so strong for holding back as long as I had.

It had been three months since the last time I threw up. I finally felt good. I had put it all behind me. I was never going to forget it, I knew that, but I also knew that I was never going to let it get to me again.

I climbed out the shower and dried myself off before getting ready. I dressed myself up nicely, for I was meeting Remus' parents today, and I wanted to make a good impression. I spent a long time on my outfit, that even though I had gotten up twenty minutes earlier, Alice and Lily were both ready by the time I was.

We packed up our stuff and headed down to the common room ready to head down to the train with the boys, who much to Alice and Lily's disgust, were sitting with us.

I walked towards Remus and wrapped my arms around his waist.

Remus chuckled at me lightly before kissing me on the head and saying "Morning beautiful, did you sleep well?"

I smiled back at him. "Yeah I did. I had a lovely dream about this gorgeous man, who looks a lot like you..."

He shook his head at me before turning to the rest of the group. "Shall we head down then?"

We left our trunks with the others for the house elves to take to the train before we all went down together. All around us students were loud, trying to find all of their friends so they could say good bye. All my friends were talking about something, but I just walked in silence my arms around Remus and his arm over my shoulder.

I couldn't help thinking about everything that had happened earlier this year. I regretted hurting myself, but at the same time, I didn't. I had grown so much as a person because of that happening and I was now happy with who I was. I would always have the marks on my wrists as a reminder to me. A reminder of the pain I had been through, but also a reminder of how strong I was to get through it.

My friends and I found a compartment, and I sat by the window, staring out of it. The compartment fell silent and I felt all eyes on me.

"What are you thinking about Brynlee?" Lily asked me.

"Everything that happened this year. What I did to myself. How I came through it with the help of all you guys. But mostly, how this is a new beginning for me." I said as the train began to pull away from the station.

My friends smiled, because what I had said was true, this was my new beginning, and I wasn't going to screw it up.


End file.
